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SERMON
Life has its share of cynics – especially when it comes to marriage.
One sour individual quipped, "Marriage is like a dull meal – with the
dessert served first." Or take the discouraged marriage counselor
who said that the human race could be divided into two groups: those who
are convinced that all their problems would disappear if they were
married, and the rest who are equally certain that all of their problems
would be solved if they were not married.
In an age when marriages face a mortality rate of 50% or higher; it
shouldn't surprise us that cynics are making a lot of noise. There is
certainly no lack of material to complain about. So in times like these,
a couple that has survived almost 39 years together (as Carol and I
have) is rather exceptional. And the couple that has not only spent
those 39 years faithful to each other, but has actually grown more
deeply in love and in their faith in the process, is afforded at least a
modest share of credibility. After all, we reason, they must have done
something right, and may therefore have something valuable to share.
So, whether you are married or contemplating marriage or simply know
people who are, what I want to do today is lean on whatever credibility
we may have earned, and talk with you about what I believe God wants for
us in our marriages. And the way I am compelled to go about it is to
first look to God's Word, and then to our own experiences and the
experiences of others, to affirm the truth we find in Scripture.
I approach the matter that way for two reasons. First, I believe that
God's word is utterly reliable, and therefore the truth in Scripture
holds whether our limited understanding and experience confirm it or
not. The second reason I turn to Gods' Word first (rather than beginning
with our own experiences) is because if we begin with our own
experiences as if they were normative, we are liable to conclude that,
since this is how things are, this is how they should be. And that
doesn't necessarily follow. But because we are creatures of habit – and
fallen ones at that, we are likely to turn only to those scriptures that
confirm our experience and support our preferences, and ignore the rest.
And frankly, I can't think of a better example of the misuse of
Scripture to confirm cultural prejudices than our lesson today from
Ephesians 5 – especially verse 22 when taken out of context. Remember
what it says: "Wives, (submit) to your husbands as to the Lord."
In a thoroughly male-dominated cultural setting, that verse (taken by
itself) could sound as though God were saying, "Wives ought to be
passive-receptive, submissive, groveling wallflowers with no will nor
life nor rights of their own – apart from their husband's."
In fact, in some places that idea of utter subjugation and passivity in
women is exactly how that passage is interpreted and used. In those
situations where husbands choose to be domineering and wives are content
to be passive and submissive, that verse (verse 22 taken out of context)
serves very well as a kind of scriptural confirmation of their
prejudices.
The problem, of course, is that that is not what the verse says.
Literally translated, verse 22 reads: "…the wives to their own
husbands as to the Lord." Now you might ask, "The wives what
to their own husbands? Where's the verb?" That's a legitimate
question. But verse 22 doesn't answer it. So in order to figure out what
wives are supposed to do to their own husbands, you have to back up one
verse.
But when you backtrack to verse 21, some folks (especially those who
have never noticed it before) are in for a surprise. Because what
Ephesians 5:21 lays down as a command concerning marriage is as
revolutionary as it is unexpected. This is what it says: "Submit to
one another out of reverence for Christ." And you'll notice
that there is no reference to gender in that command. It is an
all-inclusive order, issued to all Christians, male and female, wives
and husbands.
And that, as I see it, is really the heart of the matter when it comes
to understanding marriage as God conceives it. It is a relationship of
mutual submission. Both husbands and wives are to "submit to
one another out of reverence for Christ." That is one of the most
radically egalitarian mandates you will find in all religious
literature. Now, are there functional differences between husbands and
wives? Of course there are. We were made differently (thank God!) male
and female. But is one gender inherently more valuable or important than
the other? No! God made us different, but we are both made in God's
image – male and female. So does one have the God-ordained right to lord
it over the other? Not on your life!
God's word is quite compelling. As Christians we are under orders to
submit to one another. And those orders are rooted squarely in the
teachings of Jesus. Listen to our Lord's words in Mark 9:35: Jesus
gathered his disciples around him and said, "If anyone wants to be
first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." That is to
say: You will never realize all you can be, all God designed you to be,
until you give up your "me first" attitude. And that applies to all your
relationships, but especially here to marriage. Maxie Dunnam put it so
well. He said that the biggest heresy in marriage is an alphabetical one
– big "I" and little "u."
So let's recognize first that God's Word on the subject begins with a
clear command to mutual submission. The next three verses describe how
wives are to express that submission "to their own husbands as to the
Lord." Then at verse 25 come the directions to husbands on how they are
to "submit to their own wives." And you'll notice that the directions to
the husbands are three times as long as those for the wives.
And look at the demands. Paul says that submitting to your wives means
that you are to love them the way Christ loved the church. Christ was
willing to suffer any humiliation, giving up his rights, even giving up
his life to save her and protect her integrity. That is the price that a
Christian husband should be prepared to pay. I won't take time now to go
into a verse-by-verse exposition of that passage. I'll leave that to
you.
For now, let me simply put the question to you this way: Do you want to
have a happy marriage? When you get to 25 or 40 or 50 or 60 years
together, do you want to be able to say, "O God, thank you! It has
been good. In spite of the inevitable pain and the trauma, the anger and
the disappointments, the crises that are part of every marriage, still I
couldn't imagine living with anyone else and loving them more! Our life
together has been very good!" Is that the sort of marriage you want
to enjoy?
If it is, in Ephesians 5:21 you find a prescription for the kind of
marriages God intends for us to enjoy. And you'll notice that I said a
"prescription" and not a "cure." There's a difference. A cure implies a
guarantee. A prescription, if it's followed, holds out the prospect for
improvement. But a prescription also requires cooperation. You have to
be willing to take it.
So allow me in these last few moments to make a few observations about
how this prescription of mutual submission has worked itself out in my
own life; how, because of it, I have managed to remain happily married
to Whatsername for almost 39 years; and why, because of it, I intend to
give it a go for at least another 39 years (and, God willing, infinitely
more). I find that this attitude of mutual submission in marriage has
many implications. Let me mention two or three.
First, submitting to each other as a married couple reminds us that the
happiness of at least two people is in my hands. It's true, I am
responsible for my own happiness, just as Carol is responsible for hers.
But there is an important sense in which we also entrust our happiness
to each other.
Think about it. Whose opinion matters the most to you? Much, perhaps
most of what we do is done for one person. And the proof of it is this.
However famous we may be, however accomplished in our profession, no
matter who congratulates us, unless in the end we have the approval of
the one who matters the most to us, we lose initiative, our courage is
drained, and we lose faith in ourselves.
But if that one person gives us the encouragement, the sympathy, the
understanding, the support, then there is no limit to what we'll dare.
The world could throw anything at us, but we can handle it, because we
know that we are loved. I can't begin to tell you how many times Carol
has been for me that source of strength, the protector of my happiness.
And I have been there for her. This prescription of mutual submission
reminds those of us who are married that, while we are responsible for
our own happiness, in a way we're also entrusted with the happiness and
welfare of the one who sees us as the most important person in their
life.
A second lesson we learn is that submitting to one another enriches our
understanding of what it means to be "one flesh." When two people
consummate their marriage they become one flesh physically. But far
beyond that, far deeper than that, their lives become intertwined. The
well being of the one is enmeshed in the well being of the other. And
that commingling is so thorough that when one weeps, the other tastes
salt.
That's what marriage means. So that, if you do not submit to each other,
if you are not sensitive to the hurts and joys and needs of the other,
then you are dead to half of who you are. You can be married in the eyes
of the civil authorities, living under the same roof, under the same
name, but strangers – two solitary lonely people. Either that, or it's a
civil war. And you know that in a civil war nobody wins. When a marriage
is seen as competition, a battle where one always has to outdo the
other, everyone ends up losing. Marriage isn't a competition. It's a
partnership in which two people become more together than they ever
could be individually.
I find that when Carol and I deliberately choose to submit to each
other, to care for and cherish each other deeply, there is a quality of
intimacy that blossoms in our marriage – of being "one flesh" – that I'm
convinced we would never know by any other means.
Let me tell you one more implication. Submitting to one another means
that making love really makes love. Let me explain what I mean by
that. William James used to say that when we express an emotion, we
strengthen it. When we express love, we not only express how we already
feel, we actually increase our capacity for loving. And I believe that's
true.
In our marriages, that means that making love is infinitely more than
having sex. Making love should literally make love. Whenever we
thoughtlessly refer to copulation as "making love" (which we hear all
the time) we do violence not only to our language but also to ourselves.
Having sex might be nothing more than using somebody to satisfy a
physical urge. But that is not "making love." Making love isn't an
isolated, unrelated moment in a relationship. It's like one wave of the
ocean. It can't be separated from all the waves that precede it and come
after it.
Do you know what those other waves are? They are respect and affection,
kindness and friendship, faithfulness and sensitivity. Those are the
waves that precede making love. And when they do precede it, love makes
love. By loving each other, by submitting to each other and caring for
each other, we come to love each other all the more.
Bertrand Russell, who was so clever in so many ways, and such a fool in
others, once said that on a honeymoon what a couple needed most was
experience. In my humble but correct opinion, that's garbage. It's been
my experience that what a honeymoon couple needs, far more than
experience, is a sense of humor, a sense of fun, and a whole lot of
caring. When we make love with our mate, the product should be love.
Well, there is so much I could say, that I would like to say on the
subject. But perhaps I've opened the door enough to allow some
profitable meditation. And to me, that makes a sermon worthwhile.
Remember what I said earlier. This is a prescription, not a cure. But it
does hold out the prospect of improvement, if you're willing to take it.
And please understand – I don't mean to suggest I have the last word on
the subject of marriage. God knows my failures as a husband, and most of
you are at least acquainted with some of my shortcomings.
God has been gracious to me for reasons I don't fully understand and in
ways far beyond anything I could have expected. He has given me a wife
fit to complete me. As Adam said so long ago: "This at last is bone
of my bones and flesh of my flesh." She is the missing part who
makes me whole, without whom I am fundamentally incomplete. Carol is
that for me, and I have grown because of her, and I'm grateful beyond
words.
So, speaking as one who has gained a certain credibility for trying to
follow the Lord's prescription for close to 39 years now, I think I can
safely say that, while our marriage may not have been made in heaven, by
God's grace that's exactly where it is headed. Next week we'll look at
God's take on our families.
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